


if we only die once (i wanna die with you)

by octoberwithoutyou



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Post-Rogue One, Team as Family, aka cassian feels too much its a miracle he doesnt cry 24/7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-10-08 11:16:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10385481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/octoberwithoutyou/pseuds/octoberwithoutyou
Summary: Snippets of Cassian's life with Bodhi after the Rogue One events + how gains a whole new family without even realising it."Even if we don’t have a happy ending, I think I’m happy with how things are now.” Bodhi concluded. “I never thought I would leave the Empire and survive. I never thought I would have a family again. I thought I would die, and that I could never redeemed myself for the things the Empire had done while I still worked for them. But I’m here with you. And I have Chirrut and Baze, and Kay, and Jyn. And we got the Death Star plans. If it’s true, and the Empire doesn’t end with us, not all is lost. I just wished it wouldn’t hurt so much, that it wouldn’t hurt you so much.”“You already made it better.”Bodhi rolled his eyes, and they both laughed quietly.“It’s true. You’ve helped me. I hurt, but I don’t have to hurt alone.”"





	

"Morning."

The only response was a displeased groan. Cassian couldn't help but smile, gently shaking Bodhi's shoulder, covered by a blanket.

"Breakfast's in an hour, you know it's time to wake up."

Cassian wondered how Bodhi managed to wake up back at the Empire. Every morning it was the same thing, especially when it was cold. 

"I know. Five more minutes." Bodhi muttered, muffled by the pillow he had pressed against his face.

"Fine. Meet you at the cafeteria."

"No. Come here." Bodhi patted the space on the bed next to him, eyes still closed.

Earlier in their relationship, Cassian would probably chuckle and shake his head, heading to the refresher. Now, he guessed five more minutes wouldn't hurt. Not at all. He sat on the bed and took off his shoes before he laid down next to him. He didn't miss the smug smile on Bodhi's face. It always worked.

 

The first rain Bodhi experienced on the base caught Cassian and Bodhi out in the open, carrying some tools from a warehouse to the hangar. Cassian had cursed, quickly trying to cover the box, as he started to walk faster. He only stopped when he realized Bodhi wasn’t following him. He had stood there, looking up as fat drops fell on his face. He had extended his arms, as if welcoming the rain, a smile on his face. Of all things, Cassian only noticed his uncovered prosthetic arm. 

"Bodhi, your arm-" Cassian's worried comment was cut off by Bodhi's lips on his, and then a laugh, as clear and refreshing as the rain falling down on them.

"It's waterproof, Cassian." The other replied. 

Cassian wanted to tell him that rain wasn't foreign to the planet, and that soon he would grow tired of it as he was. He wanted to tell him that he wasn't convinced about his arm, and that they should take cover immediately. 

But then Bodhi took his hand and dragged him, almost making Cassian drop the box he was holding. He was laughing, resembling a child who was enjoying something with their entire being, who didn't care they were getting wet, and that they tools were getting wet. 

They arrived to the hangar breathless, their hair a curtain in front of their faces and dripping from head to toe. 

"Another race?" Bodhi asked, and Cassian didn't think that had been a race, but Bodhi's smile was contagious, convincing. Not many people were outside due to the rain, so no one would see them playing around. He guessed one race wouldn't hurt.

He sighed, leaving the box on the floor. "Count of three, back to the warehouse. Ready?"

 

Cassian knew something was wrong the minute he was shaken awake in the middle of the night. His hand immediately went to his blaster under the pillow, but it was stopped halfway by a familiar, metallic touch. 

“You won’t need that. Come with me.”

The only explanation he needed was the emptiness of the bed. Without a word, he followed Kaytoo out of the bunk and towards what it seemed the hangar. 

“Churrit called you through the comlink. He was meditating when he saw Bodhi.”

“How bad is it?”

“He said it was ‘bad’. Judging by the tone of his voice, I would say the word matches the situation.”

Cassian walked faster, and if he didn’t run it was because it was really early in the morning, and didn’t wish to wake anyone up. It was better if everything was quiet.

They met Chirrut on the entrance of the hangar. “He won’t talk to me.” He said as a greeting, his usual easy smile absent. When he frowned, he looked as older as he probably was. 

“I’ll try.” Cassian said, silently thanking Chirrut and walking in.

The silence of the night made it easy to catch any noises. He could hear the soft hum of the machinery, the beeping of some droids that were up all day, and something more human. Someone trying to even their breathing but being unable to because the fear was still constricting their throat. It came from behind a few boxes next to the cargo ships.

He made sure his steps could be heard as he walked towards the boxes. He first showed his hands, and then his face. “Bodhi.”

Bodhi didn’t seem to hear him. His eyes looked past anything in the room, clouded with whatever it was he was thinking. Cassian had several guesses. Bodhi had been through so much, and deserved none of it. It made Cassian feel helpless. It also made him feel anger, sadness, resentment. But none of it mattered at the moment. He just wanted Bodhi back.

“You’re okay, Bodhi. You’re safe. We all are. Nothing can hurt you. We won’t allow it.” He offered Bodhi an embrace, and he stayed there even as his arms hurt at the position. He kept talking to Bodhi until the other man’s eyes lost that dullness that signified that he was far away from them. Soon Cassian found himself with an armful of Bodhi, the pilot holding onto him in a way that hurt. Cassian didn’t mind. 

Chirrut and Kaytoo walked in. Bodhi looked up, and Chirrut got to his knees, joining the hug. Cassian knew better than to worry about the suddenness of the movement, or the thud that joined it. He was strong despite his age, stronger than most people he had ever met, and that was saying something. 

The three of them spent a short eternity in the floor of the cargo section of the hangar, Kaytoo towering over them in his very own way of caring. When they considered Bodhi was good enough, Cassian took him back to their bunk. Neither of them would sleep for the rest of the night, but the worst had passed for now.

 

“I think this is enough.”

“Last round. I’m sure I’ll win next time.”

When Bodhi had commented he used to gamble by playing sabacc on his free time, Cassian hadn’t expected him to be so bad at it. He didn’t play much, but he knew how to defend himself in case it was brought up in a mission. Bodhi had found a maze lying around and asked Cassian to play a round, and he had accepted, thinking it would be fun. It hadn’t crossed his mind how competitive Bodhi could be, even as he lost round after round.

“Bodhi, if we were betting, you would be losing all the credits you don’t have.”

“All or nothing, come on.” Bodhi took the cards and started shuffling them. 

“Like I said, we aren’t even bet-”

“Let’s bet, then!”

“Fine.” Cassian sighed. “If I win, you have to make the bed for a month. If you win, I’ll braid your hair every morning for a month.”

Bodhi smiled. “It’s on.”

Bodhi ended up having to make their bed. On the brightside, Cassian enjoyed braiding Bodhi’s hair, so he did it anyway.

 

Sometimes, Cassian wished he could throw his blaster against the wall. He wished he could destroy it, leave it somewhere his blood stained hands couldn’t use it anymore. Instead, all he did was stare down at the weapon in his hands, as if looking at it long enough would cause it to disappear.

Kaytoo offered, every time that happened, that he could wipe his memory. It was surprising how careful he had said those words. It hadn’t been a joke, it was just him trying to help. But he couldn’t, and Cassian had declined just like he did every time he asked. He wondered what would it take for him to accept his proposition.

“You’re back.” A voice said from the doorstep of the room. Bodhi was looking at him with worry. His hair was put up on a simple ponytail and he was wearing a shirt Cassian was sure it was his. He wasn’t wearing his prosthetic, which meant he either dressed in a hurry and forgot or it was hurting him. “I was waiting for you in the hangar, but you were gone.”

“Sorry.” He tried to smile, but it wasn’t in him.

“It’s okay.” Bodhi walked in and sat on the bed next to him. “Kaytoo told me you came here. He also told me it was a bad mission.”

“I got the information I needed.” He muttered, still not quite looking at Bodhi. 

“Cassian…”

“It had to happen. He was too slow, too-”

“Cassian.”

“If I didn’t kill him, the Empire would have taken him and they would have-”

“Cassian!” They were both startled by his shout. “Let go of the blaster.” 

His hands were gripping the blaster so hard his knuckles had turned white, and Bodhi had been trying to take it away from him.

“Let go.” Bodhi whispered. “Please.”

And Cassian did. He was crying when he released his grip from the blaster. Bodhi took it and threw it to the other side of the bed before he wrapped Cassian in a hug, his hand combing his hair soothingly. 

Cassian rarely cried. Bodhi had watched him shed a tear once, and it wasn’t compared to the heartbreaking sobs that shook Cassian’s body. He was trying to be as quiet as possible, but now that the dam was open he couldn’t close it again. So cried until every inch of his body hurt, and he felt empty and weirdly unsatisfied.

“I- I should get you some water. A-and com Kay, he was worried sick-”

“Can we stay here for a bit?” Cassian rasped.

“Sure. Let me just com Kay.”

While Bodhi did that, Cassian took off his clothes and cleaned himself before he slipped under the covers. He didn’t know the person he had killed that day, only that he had been a new informant for the Alliance, and that he wasn’t really discreet. Still, he mourned, and he would continue to mourn him until Cassian was sure his death had been worth it. He would carry all of his dead like a heavy weight on his back until the Empire was defeated.

“Hey.” Bodhi’s voice cut through his thoughts. 

“I didn’t know you and Kay were good friends.” Bodhi’s smile was small, and he was still frowning, but it was something.

“We are.” He leaned in to kiss Cassian’s forehead, and the man felt close to tears again. It was something Cassian usually did to Bodhi when he was feeling down. “You should sleep a bit before the debriefing.”

Cassian hadn’t realised how tired he was until Bodhi suggested sleeping. “I should.”

“I’ll set the alarm.”

“Fifteen minutes.”

“Thirty.”

“Twenty.”

“Fine.”

The blaster was out of sight. Cassian wondered briefly where he’d put it. They both laid down. Cassian could tell, even with his eyes closed, that Bodhi wanted to say something, but didn’t know what.

“Cassian.” He finally whispered. Cassian hummed. “Is it going to be worth it in the end? All of this?”

“I… I don’t think I have another option but to believe it is.” Was his response after a moment of silence. “Or else, I’ve been fighting for nothing.”

“And what if...what if they win in the end?”

“I think,” He turned to his side, as they were done pretending they were sleeping. “That if there’s hope, there’s no way they can win. Maybe our story doesn’t have a happy ending, but that doesn’t mean someone else’s won’t have one, either. But we helped to make sure that someday, someone won’t have to worry about the war.”

There was a short silence again. “Even if we don’t have a happy ending, I think I’m happy with how things are now.” Bodhi concluded. “I never thought I would leave the Empire and survive. I never thought I would have a family again. I thought I would die, and that I could never redeemed myself for the things the Empire had done while I still worked for them. But I’m here with you. And I have Chirrut and Baze, and Kay, and Jyn. And we got the Death Star plans. If it’s true, and the Empire doesn’t end with us, not all is lost. I just wished it wouldn’t hurt so much, that it wouldn’t hurt you so much.”

“You already made it better.”

Bodhi rolled his eyes, and they both laughed quietly.

“It’s true. You’ve helped me. I hurt, but I don’t have to hurt alone.”

They fell asleep minutes later, and slept through the rest of the day. Cassian woke up cursing the chrono that didn’t wake them up twenty minutes later. Bodhi said he had set the alarm, and was as confused as he was. They later found out Kaytoo had walked into the room to check on them and ‘accidentally’ turned off the alarm. 

 

Cassian and Bodhi were laying on the ground, looking at the stars. Their whole group of friends (their family, Cassian found himself thinking but didn’t dare say it out loud) had organized a moment for themselves, since they all had been busy lately, and they barely even saw each other during lunch. 

It had been Baze’s idea, and Bodhi had instantly agreed and helped organized the entire thing, which had turned out to be dinner in front of a fire on the outside of the base. Cassian didn’t remember a time where he laughed so much like that night. Baze and Chirrut had so many stories, that would had seemed invented if they didn’t complement each other, finishing each other’s sentences. There was a moment where Kaytoo and Jyn had a amiable discussion that almost turned into something else if they didn’t change the subject. Later they played sabacc, where Chirrut won almost everyone round. They stopped playing when someone suggested betting and Cassian saw the shine on Bodhi’s eyes. It was then when Cassian decided it was enough.

After that, Chirrut and Baze went to sit somewhere remote, so close together Cassian couldn’t tell where one ended and the other began. Jyn and Kaytoo were picking up some of the plates and cups they used and putting out the fire. And Cassian and Bodhi were laying on the ground, looking at the stars.

“Choose any star.” Cassian told Bodhi. “It was something my dad and I did.” He explained when Bodhi turned and gave him a confused look.

“That one.” He pointed at one of the brightest star on the horizon.

“That’s your star. My papa used to say the brighter it was, the brighter your future is going to be. Maybe he did that because he knew I always chose the brightest star I could see.”

“My mom was always thinking of the future.” Bodhi said, eyes searching among the stars for something Cassian did not know. “She didn’t let me do anything potentially dangerous. Didn’t let me even help her cut vegetables for dinner. She said I was going to do big things, and that was the reason she was always protective of me. That I was the face of the future.”

“You are.” Cassian agreed. “Thanks to you, the universe has a new hope, a future.” It was much more than that. Bodhi was Cassian’s future, was everything he wanted to see next to him when he woke up for the rest of his life. He didn’t know how to put in words how important Bodhi was, for the entire universe, and for a simple rebel spy whose life one revolved around the Alliance, and pretty much nothing else.

“Not just me.” Bodhi took Cassian’s hand, and was fidgeting with his fingers. “We all fought just as hard. We all are the face of the future.”

Kaytoo sat down next to him, and Jyn sat down next to Bodhi. Apparently, they were having another discussion and wanted their opinion to settle it. Cassian rolled his eyes and sighed, and Bodhi giggled. Chirrut and Baze joined them later, and Cassian was pretty sure Chirrut agreed with Jyn to keep the fight going. In the end, Cassian called it a draw because it was getting late.

They walked back to the base without saying a word, but it wasn’t awkward at all. Even though the nights in Yavin IV were cold and Bodhi was wearing his jacket, Cassian felt rather warm. Everyone seemed drowsy, leaning against each other as they made their way back to the bunks. Those were the people that risked their lives to get the Death Star plans, those were the people that had lost it all, and maybe would lose even more, but still didn’t give up to darkness. Those people, his family, were truly the face of the future, the end of the war.

**Author's Note:**

> that leak gave me feels, okay?  
> find me at cahssian on tumblr!


End file.
